...[and I like] long walks on short tangents...

- The Blog Is Vacant: You may have noticed that I haven’t been feeling very bloggy these days. If you have indeed noticed, that means you come here too much. If you haven’t, that means you don’t come here enough. Either way, you’re the one doing something wrong and not me. That being said, today I will continue with my non-bloggy ways by simply linking you to some old archived things I posted on this blog that nobody has read except for the three people that visited my blog in its incipient moments (those three people I think were Rollie, my brother, and the poop-head girl I was dating at the time). But, before we get to my brilliant ramblings of the early days (i.e. like 6 months ago), I would like to post some random thoughts I’ve had recently. Off we go:

• The phrase “no pain, no gain” never made much sense to me when people were talking about losing weight. It was always hard for me to fathom that the word “gain” meant “lose weight” in that context.

• I saw an advertisement on the way to work today that said “Whole grain controls hunger.” Oh word? Isn’t that just a delusory way of saying “Whole grain is filling”? The fuck is wrong with people?

• Every day, I promise myself that today will be the day that I finally start drinking the two liters of water a day I should be drinking, and yet every day, I fail to do so. Why is it so hard for me to drink water? It’s not like I drink a lot of soda. What’s wrong with me?

• I’ve noticed that I’m somewhat attracted to men that I feel resemble me (no homo): Brad Pitt, Ben Stiller, 50 Cent, etc. I think this is an advanced form of narcissism. I’m proud of it.

• I’m fucking hilarious.

• I’ve never really been “in love.”

• I am probably one of the top 20 text messagers in the world. Seriously. I am profound, charming, and hilarious in a brief manner. It’s incredible.

• I’m a big fan of busy work. It gives the rest of my day real worth.

• I feel like I'm imprisoned in a perpetual state of always-needing-a-hair-cut-ness. It's infuriating.

I guess that’s enough for now. Now on to the archived stuff.

- Here’s a post about why the Deer Hunter is great but Michael Cimino is an idiot. The title of the post is—appropriately— “Michael Cimino is an idiot.” Serg calls me a “racist” in the comments section. It’s an inside joke.

- Here’s a post about the movie “Titticut Follies” that you’ve probably never seen and probably never will see, but read the post because I’m smart and I think it’s important. Peep the picture of the director. He looks a bit like a treasure troll. I once made out with a girl that my homeboy referred to as “Bitter beer face.” He was astoundingly accurate.

- Here’s a post about Taryn Simon’s photography exhibit entitled “The Innocents” about wrongfully convicted felons. Heart-breaking, breath-taking, and other adjectives that I use too often. Shit’s really good though.

- Here’s a post about Tom Penny and why he’s one of the best skaterboard-dude-heads ever. Disagree with it and die. Somebody gets all pissy at me in the comments section because my “Tom Penny is to skateboarding what Rakim is to rap” spiel. I guess the comparison wasn’t doing it for him. Well, fuck off.

- Here’s my Top Ten from 2004 that found its way onto my buddy Cosmo Baker’s mailing list.

Amen.

-e