Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I'm blogging again.

I'm back.

Just not here.


Buy a shirt or a CD or something. Otherwise, just read about me calling people racist.


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'ma a T-R-A-P-S-T-R

And we aint leavin’ till 6 in the morn

- Two T’ings: This and then, for the after-party till 6 in the AM, this. Nuff said. Fo’rillzuhbub.

- NO MORE CONDOMS: This drug my prevent HIV infection. That’s great news for college students and binge drinkers everywhere! But, in all seriousness, “HIV spreads to 10 people every minute, 5 million every year.” That’s pretty insane.

- Teenagers are Getting Less Sleep: Apparently, teenagers are getting less sleep than they used to because of video games. Who in the fuck gives a fuck?

- Drive-In Massage Parlor: This is a great idea… and the government is behind it! I’ve got to say, it’s almost a better idea than my Nap-Hotel where you can rent a room at an hourly rate to take a nap (most likely during lunchhour at work) or take a prostitute and/or loved one there and knock one out real quick.


Friday, March 24, 2006

The Crying Game

"Mommy, are you and daddy getting a divorce because of me?"

- Crying Ass Bitches: It doesn’t take much to make my bitch ass sob like a little baby, but damn straight I’m not gonna fucking cry before the fucking game is over like bitch ass little Adam Morrison did last night. With 2.6 seconds left in the game, dude is sobbing like his daddy just told him he and his mommy are getting a divorce. Dude, buck the fuck up and go win the fucking game, you fucking pussy. That mustache isn’t fooling anyone anymore. Reddick cried, too. What’s with tournament this year? Seems like more and more dudes are going out like crying-ass hoes. I think Reddick’s draft position fell like 15 positions with his dismal performance last night.

- Radiodread: Sometimes I like to post stuff that I know will make my friends vomit. Well, this Radiohead reggae album should absolutely ruin my man D***el’s morning. And, for god’s sake, they called it “Radiodread”! Obviously, they meant this dread and not this one. The Culture Industry is a funny beast.

- Nerds Unite: Junichi from Poplicks has a freaking hilarious post about the unholy union of Transformers and Star Wars. I gleamed the following two bullets from the comments section that followed that post. By the way, speaking of Poplicks, O-Dub’s article about Bay Area rap is a good primer. E-40’s album debuted at #3 on the Billboard charts!! Before you go and try to “ghostride the whip,” peep this dumb shit and this even dumber shit. That second one might ruin your lunch though. Beware.

- Vibrators: Need a present for your 12 year old sister? Look no further than the Hello Kitty vibrator! Also, peep the T-Shirts. Seriously. Do it. Click on that link, then scroll all the way down and explain to me what the hell that shirt at the bottom has to do with Hello Kitty. I’m so confused.

- Jesus: He saves. Also, if you record someone saying “Jesus” and then reverse it, they say “sausage.” Seriously. Try it. I mean, it’s not a clean “sausage” pronunciation. It sounds more like an Eastern European saying “sausage” with an accent, but still. It’s funny. “God” backwards is “dog” and “Jesus” backwards is “Sausage.” If there is a higher power, he likes phallic meat.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Back for the first time

+ =

Well over a month ago, the dude Emil told y'all who I am and what I'm about (i.e. Robert, posting in this blog). I didn't show up then, though. Time was, three months ago to the day, I'd apologize to the homie for dropping the ball on him. Since then I learned something: people with newborn babies don't owe anyone apologies. Having a newborn allows me a degree of slack that I've never known. New parents get random gifts, extensions on projects, and incredible parking spots. You have to try it.

So I'm going to be working myself in right about now. I bet Emil thought I'd given up. Jokes on you, Jack.

The rest of this post will be organized like an Emil post, so as not to throw the locals off too hard.

  • On the infamous Papoose/Kay Slay confrontation: What's worse? Ignorance in the form of Kay Slay dissing on the snap dance or, umm, intelligence in the form of this DJ Raedawn character demanding that Papoose "stop the demonic violence"? People talk about what's happened to hip hop and 'O! The Ignorance' but way too often what passes as intelligent in hip hop is fundamentalist Abrahamic bullshit or it's shameless, hoary Marxism, conspiracy theories, and atavistic black Nationalism or it's some crazy space shit that don't make no sense. Sometimes, like this, it's warmed over hippy banalities. It's arrogance without a cause and conflates rebelliousness with petulance. It's always self-serious and might just deserve a beatdown, or at least an ejection from the show.

    Oh and Kay Slay, next time you're in the A, hit up Sevananda if you're hunting for dreads there. I promise they exist.

  • Killrichpeopleandtaketheirmoney.com: Thasss right. The best part is the message to the 1337: pwn t3h government.

  • Ever wonder what the guys who do the voiceovers for movie trailers look like? Me either but still I got a few "oh it's that guy's" out here.

  • Crushed like a bug on the ground.

    "My fellow bandmates are simply too
    colourful and goofy whilst I am rather
    obviously the genius of this programme!"

    - Thom Yorke Going Solo: The boy is doing a solo album? I’m not sure if that's a good look.

    - Women Pleads No Contest for Finger Biting: The funniest part of this article isn’t the finger biting. It’s what the argument was over: a kitten.

    - Judge Halts Sales of “Ready To Die”: Elsewhere I’ve explained why I think intellectual property is a crock of shit, but unfortunately, capitalism doesn’t see it that way and we still have shit like this happening to rappening. Weak.

    - Stop Snitching!: Believe me when I say this: I’ve never smoked weed. Never have and likely never will. Why? The simple answer is that I never really had any desire to do so. The more complicated answer has something to do with the fact that I’ve gone this long without smoking it that I kinda feel like I should stick to my guns and just stay away from the shit. The even more complicated answer has a lot to do with me seeing a bunch of folks I know smoke way too much weed and turn into completely different, wack people while high. An ex-girl of mine was like this and it would drive me fucking insane. So, take not: just because I listen to a great deal of rap music, have curly hair and a beard does not mean I smoke weed. Got it? That being said, I’ve got no beef with anyone who smokes weed and don’t really give a fuck if you do (unless you’re going to be my girlfriend and turn into a heartless, indifferent rock when you’re high). But, if a teacher was nice enough to give me some weed, the very last thing I’d do is snitch on dude. Somebody needs to kick this kid’s ass or bribe DJ Ayres to punch him in the dick (click and scroll down until you see orange text).

    - Adam Morrison: I really don’t fucking like Adam Morrison. I’m not sure why. He’s pretty good. I just think he’s a jack-ass. That’s the great thing about sports. You can totally dislike a guy for no real reason and once pressed to explain it, you can just sort’ve say “I dunno. He’s a fucking jackass” and that’s all you really gotta say. So, mostly: fuck that dude. In other news, my Bracket is kinda jacked. I’m middle of the road in all my pools that I’m in, which basically means I’ve got a chance if Villanova wins it all. Otherwise, I’m kinda screwed. Oh well.

    - Fuck a Spider: I don’t fuck with spiders. Never have, never will. To all future wives: if you are scared of spiders, I can’t marry you because I’m scared of them too and that just wouldn’t work.

    - Shawls: My new pretty-homo fashion accessory? Shawls. I predict TI biting my Shawl game in his next video. Game recognize game.


    Thursday, March 16, 2006

    Pretty Girls Make Graves

    "Pretty girls make graves" is my favorite Keraouc line from his best book

    - Liz from Legwarmers: This jawn Liz from Legwarmers is my new favorite person blogger. Read her shit urryday. She actually updates her shit and does long, interesting, funny pieces.

    - T-Shirts For Sale: Buy T-Shirts from me. I need your money to buy beer.

    - Emynd & Bo Bliz Lemon-Red Mix: Bo and I did a free, downloadable mix for Lemon-Red and it’s the best thing you’ve ever heard. Download it right here.

    - LowBeezey!: Lowbudget from Hollertronix hits us with some mixes of his own from when he was like 16. So trill.

    - Double Helix in Space: Man, the fact that a double helix was spotted in space is pretty fucking awesome.

    - AirCockThrust: Nuff said.

    - St. Patrick was Welsh: Hey Irish people, guess what? St. Patrick was Welsh. Get over it. I don’t mind if you guys drink on March 17, but don’t pretend like this dude has much to do with it. On the bright side, Shamrock shakes are back if you like that sort’ve thing.

    - Die, LB, Die: This is a bit on the old side now, but eff it. Larry Brown sucks. His recently intensified feud with Marbury was entirely predictable, but seeing it play out is pretty fucking pathetic. I want to smack LB in the god damn face. Eff that fucking dude.

    - Get Money: Suing yourself really isn’t a bad “get rich quick” scheme. Didn’t exactly work, but I applaud the effort.

    - Romance: Hmmm. As my buddy Ian so eloquently put it: “Romance is so… depressing.”

    - More Stuff on Cats: I posted about this shit a long time ago, but it’s updated frequently and it’s still as awesome as ever. Put stuff on your cat. Now.

    - Boots from the Coup: My main man CocaineBlunts was kind enough to transcribe a beautiful passage that Boots from the Coup delivered at some hip-hop roundtable. Boots is killing it. Read it or die.


    Friday, February 24, 2006

    Get money till I die, got my hand on the bible...

    Rock wit' it, roll wit' it...
    or do like I do, drink beer from it

    - Get Ya Hustle On: You’ve probably seen Juve’s masterpiece “Get Yo’ Hustle On” by now, but if you haven’t peep. It’s really great. Some folks find the need to comment on the apparent contradictory messages between the song itself and the video. My thoughts on this absolutely ridiculous criticism are as follows:

      I find the criticism of "the message" of this song absolutely fucking ridiculous. It's not a fucking accident that the video is so critical of the government while the lyrics of this song seem to just condone crack selling. To assume that it's just some sort of accident is to give Juvenile absolutely no credit and is to ignore the role of the rhetorical technique known as "signifyin(g)" in the history of black music(s).

      This shit is flat out great... at least rhetorically. I obviously don't think it's particularly good advice to literally advise everyone to go sell crack and I don't think Juvenile really thinks that selling crack is really going to help New Orleans in any large-scale, long-lasting way. This shit is obviously on some "Fuck it... they didn't help us before this shit, they didn't help us during, and if they're not gonna help us after the shit either, we're gonna do what the fuck we gotta do to survive."

      The whole thing about Katrina was never so much that FEMA dropped the ball--even though they definitely did--but that none of these people deserved to be in such dire situations in the first place that allowed so many of us to overlook them so easily, right? So, what has changed since Katrina? Pretty much fucking nothing. There's still poor people everywhere who are fucked, so fuck it: the only thing for many of these folks to do is keep hustling or start hustling.

      If you wanna read this song purely as straightforward "advice" or some shit, obviously you're gonna be let down (and I think it's always a mistake to read black music as straightforward). But, if you take this song along with the images portrayed in this video seriously, I don't know how you can see it as anything but very passionate and important criticism.

      In other words, if we agree that in the blues, "the message" of the song was actually much more complex criticism than the lyrics suggested on the surface, why can't the same thing be said about hip-hop? It is after all black music that comes from very similar music traditions.

      Again, I don't know how you can separate the video's messages and the song's message. To me, it is not a fucking coincidence that the two are paired together as such. They act as criticism together. To read it any other way, I think, is to ignore the history and tropes of black music.

    - Autistic Folks: This is hardly a groundbreaking insight, but man, autistic people are an interesting breed of folks, especially the “idiot savant” ones who are capable of pretty inhuman feats of math, artistry, and, apparently, athleticism. Can’t we think of a better term than “idiot savant” though? Jesus, how offensive is that shit? Anyway, this autistic kid scored 20 points in 4 minutes. Makes you wonder if Kobe is autistic. Byron Crawford wrote an interesting piece about Hova being an idiot savant a while ago. It’s pretty funny, and possibly true… except for the Bleek part.

    - Knitted Digestive System: I feel like I’ve posted this before, but this knitted digestive system is next level whoa steez.

    - I Heart AI: My newest piece on FreeDarko: I ride for AI forever… win or lose.

    - If Loving Bob Marley is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right: Wait… are you telling me the white, pot-smoking hippie kids aren’t engaging Bob Marley authentically?!?! WHAT?! Seriously though, this criticism is fucking stupid. I have no problem with the “real, true Bob Marley lovers” (i.e. the ones who like the early stuff better!) actively trying to preserve Bob Marley’s legacy—or at least redefine it so it encompasses more than just “Legend” and “Exodus”—but I find this type of authenticity grandstanding to be downright ridiculous. I mean, seriously. Is it a surprise that white kids aren’t engaging Bob Marley “authentically”? Let me be frank here: when I was listening to Public Enemy in my early teenage years, unfortunately, it’s not because I empathized with the struggles of the black community or agreed with Chuck D’s politics. I was an apolitical, upper-middle class suburban white kid who didn’t know shit about Malcolm X or Louis Farakhan or, really, much of anything besides college basketball. I liked the fucking music because I liked the fucking music. I think it goes without saying that I was not engaging the music “authentically” and, I think we can safely assume that I’m probably still not engaging hip-hop “authentically” (see my rants about Dipset and Derrida for confirmation). But, dude says “The problem with Bob Marley in white America is one of perspective. Many of Marley's songs are about resistance and violent revolution.” Of course this is the “problem”! This is the great postmodern “problem”: postmodernism has taught us that (a) context is always of the utmost import, but (b) it’s also fleeting and pretty much inaccessible in any “authentic” way. Again, I don’t mind folks trying to redefine Bob Marley’s legacy, attempting to call out these “inauthentic” imposters who are reading the music “incorrectly,” but there is always at least a twinge of condescension in these posts that assumes that it is possible to really engage this music “authentically.” The great question is, where does this leave us? This is a profoundly difficult question to answer and isn’t going to be something that gets answered in a blog entry. But, what I do know is that to frame the argument in the (for all intents and purposes) mythical terms “authentic”/”inauthentic,” you’re setting yourself up for failure. Or, in short, what else is there to say after you’ve said the following: “These folks are engaging this music ‘inauthentically’ but these folks aren’t.” What is there to say after you’ve said “These folks are doomed to miss the point because of their context”? This isn’t just a piece explaining “Hey, there’s more at stake in Bob’s music than you might’ve originally thought.” This is a piece attacking the “inauthenticity” of the folks that like Bob Marley for reasons other than the “authentic” reasons. I thought that type of criticism died when punk ‘zines stopped writing articles about who sold out and who didn’t.

    Wayne, can I get you to weigh in on this?


    Monday, February 13, 2006

    It was not a significant bullet

    Pretty? True. Annoying? Double true.

    - The Giant Rabbit Lives!: Last week’s super popular giant rabbit story has gotten more interesting with this fantastic update. There’s more pics too!

    - Brokeback Mountain Jokes Spread to Pacific Northwest: So, Gonzaga fans are being asked to stop using their Brokeback mountain chant to suggest that an opposing player is gay. I realize this shit is potentially offensive, but I can’t help but laugh thinking about a whole stadium of folks chanting “Brokeback Mountain.”

    - I Don’t Like the Tone of this Article: This is an interesting article about misinterpretation of tone and intent in company emails.

    - Killa Cam Luhs The Kids: Ok, I’m as big a Cam fan as you can be without being brokeback homo-erotic about it, but his children’s crusade to make a DVD that confronts sexual predators is as ridiculous of an idea as it is a bad one. Even the casual observer of this ridiculous ploy is sane enough to know that making a DVD about this ish is really not the most effective way to deal with sexual predators. I mean, Cam says he’s gonna confront these predators, getting to the bottom of the situation with enlightening questions like the following: “What the hell are you doing, you damn pervert? What the f--- is wrong with you, coming to meet a 13-year-old boy?' We're gonna talk to them and not let them leave until we find out what's wrong with them.” Excellent idea, Cam. All these guys need is a good “talking to” (i.e. ass-whooping) and that’ll totally change everything. In fact, just asking these fellas “what the f--- is wrong with you” is likely to make them see the light. Seriously, even for the most intentionally ridiculous rapper ever (unlike the most unintentionally ridiculous rapper ever: KRS One), this is just absurdly ridiculous.

    - Gladwell: I’m a certified Malcolm Gladwell hater, but I haven’t really read enough of him to hate as hard as I do. I only hate on dude because I think “The Tipping Point” is overrated and it’s easy to hate on things that people jock the shit out of. Back in 1997, he did write an interesting article about race and sports.